If you have lived any kind of life at all, then there is likely one time during the year that is more difficult than the rest. For most people I imagine this time is around Christmas. For me it's March. The month of March holds two very special birthdays, my dads and my brother Patricks. I shared a very special bond with both my dad and my brother. It is easily argued that the month of March is also when I lost them both.
I have always been close to my mom and my dad. I remember inviting my mom to be my date at a school dance. My mother and I have a great and special bond. She's like that best friend that you have that you can go years not talking to and when you finally get together it feels like you've never been apart. I swear we have some special psychic bond too. There are days that go by that I just know I need to contact her, tell her I love her and I'm thinking of her. We have a very special connection that will be forever.
My dad and I also had a very special connection. You could say I was a daddy's girl and you would be right. My dad was very hard on me, very strict with me but he was also very sweet to me. One of our favorite things to do together was go grocery shopping. At the grocery store nothing was off limits. If I wanted to buy a lobster for dinner, he would buy two. If I wanted to get the stuff for him to cook me a 3 course breakfast before school, he'd get enough stuff for 4 courses. Heck that's basically what he did every morning anyway. I think that's why I enjoy grocery shopping so much as an adult. He would wake me up in the middle of the night to go outside and watch the bats flying through the street light. We would sit up hours watching science fiction movies and French cooking shows. I can't even begin to describe all of the great memories I have of him. I also can't begin to describe how painful each and every day is because I don't have him in it.
My brother Patrick on the other hand was like my best friend. He is 6 years older than me but never once as a child did he treat me like some bratty little sister. He and I share a very special bond that is unlike any other I have. He knows things about me that no one else knows, he's been there for me when no one else was. No matter what we always had each other and we always had each others back. He is a great and loving man. He is an honest man and he is a man that has been dealt a hand that he does not deserve.
In March of 2000 life as I knew it ended. In a crazy, ridiculous, unjust turn of events my brother Patrick found himself battling the Commonwealth of Kentucky for a crime he did not commit. There are no words that I can write at this moment that will describe what he has been through, what we his family ( this includes Wanda) have been through and continue to go through. It has been 12 years since ths nightmare began. This nightmare that essentially ended my dads life and might as well of ended my moms and Wanda's. To be completely honest it ended a good part of mine as well.In March of 2000 I became numb. Sad things are just "things" in most cases, reasons to laugh might just get a snicker. I try very hard to stay positive because I know positivity is the key to making good things happen. I think people might sometimes mistake my attitude and demeanor as being bitchy or rude. Well, you couldn't be more wrong. I'm just struggling to keep it together.
So, yes March is a hard month for me. I am reminded of all the good things my brother and my dad brought to this world, mainly my world. I am reminded how I can't pick up a phone and call my dad or my brother. I am reminded how numb I really am. But I am also reminded how I will always be my brothers "Scooter" and every time I see a spider I will think of my dad. I can't bring my dad back but I will keep his memory alive even if it means buying a couple lobsters or wearing a coyote skin to pick the girls up from school. And I will live to see my brother home where he belongs and I will try to do for him what he has already done for me. So in the meantime, cut me a little slack if I'm having an off day. It's nothing personal really, is just March catching up with me again.
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